Festival Advice Clinic

In true supermarket style, March seems like the perfect time to start planning for summer. As we all know, summer is all about BBQ’s, wasps and festivals. As my knowledge of the first two is limited, I’m going to provide you with my top tips for making the most – or even just surviving – your festival experience.

1) Think how big your tent needs to be. And buy a bigger one – Trust me, the amount of stuff you take, or simply acquire whilst you are there, will be equal to at least one more person. So unless you want to sleep on top of your stuff then make sure there is enough room for it alongside your sleeping bag. Unfortunately crates of cider do not make a good mattress.

2) Take sunscreen AND wellies - The British weather can be as predictable as the Lottery numbers at times so be prepared. Hell, even take your snow boots if you can.

3) Don’t camp near the toilets – It may seem convenient but believe me its not worth it. When those things start to smell, even that giant puddle of mud next to the water taps will start to look like a desirable place to set up camp.

4) Bring marker pens - You will wake up with a drawing of male genitalia on your face at some point over the weekend. So bring your own pens so you can seek revenge. NOTE: They also come in handy for decorating your neighbour’s tents with such witty comments as ‘Free Sex Here’ and ‘I Love Your Mum’.

5) Leave the ‘Free Hugs’ sign at home – The novelty has worn off. Plus no one will want to hug you when you haven’t washed for a few days, so spare yourself the rejection.

6) Take a flag, and a torch – The search for the Titanic was easier than trying to find your tent at a festival. You may think your tent is ‘unique’ enough to stand out but trust me there will be one just like it in the endless sea of canvas. So why not customise your tent with a flag of some kind to save your fellow festival goers having to wake up next to a bewildered stranger who has stumbled into the wrong tent.

7) Pack a spade – In my experience, one of the best ways to pass the time at a festival whilst waiting for your favourite band to play, is to dig a hole in the path, pull up a chair and watch as drunken fools trip up one by one. Hours of entertainment.

8) Love thy neighbour – festivals are a great way to meet other unwashed people who share your taste in music. Try inviting your neighbours over to your camp for a BBQ and some good old fashioned camp fire songs. Top Tip: furnishing your camp with an inflatable sofa or paddling pool will automatically draw in fellow campers, like a Page 3 girl to a footballer’s mansion.